Down through the Ages, societies have been defined by the manliness of their men. That is not to say that the occasional brass ball biatch like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc or Barbara Walters haven’t had their moment in the sun.
But for the most part, it’s always been a Man’s world. Sure, peppered in were the occasional lapses in judgment. Take for instance, powdered wigs.
Never before were men so blinded by the newfound ability to cover up a receding hairline (except for a short relapse mounted by Sy Sperling in the late ’70s.)
But a quick look in the history books reveals it was just as much a sign of status as it was a hygienic alternative to the fairly elite habit of bathing regularly. In fact, it was the emerging prevalence of reliable running water achieved in the mid 20th Century that has lead to the current decline of manliness.
Men were meant to be dirty. If God had wanted us to be clean, He would have invented indoor plumbing way before the Romans did.
Sure, there have been suicide missions to restore the glory of manly filth, starting with the Hippy mudfest that became Woodstock. And as recently as 20 years ago, Grunge swept the Northwest in a desperate bid to stave off inevitable emasculation. But, Alas! The current generation of Queer-Eyed Straight Guys is threatening to end once and for all Guykind’s hold on the Earth, with products that will surely consign masculinity to the mists of history. (Or as Carson Kressley would say, “The Hists Of Mystery.”)
So it is with heavy heart that we present these Unmanly Inventions, in the hope that we may be poised on the edge of a last 20 year cycle: the restoration of dirt-based masculinity. All it takes is a push.
Adam Lambert can sing his ass off, but he looks like Elvis was morphed into Cher. What better example can there be for the demise of manliness? Of course, this being Show Biz, it may all be an act. Still, recently the rumor has spread that Adam will be fronting for Queen after the American Idol tour wraps up. The countdown has begun…
Stretching your package by means of elastic shoulder bands is always a risky move, even under the clothes. But balling up the Family Jewels by the seashore is a recipe for disaster. Does Borat even care that he’s leading the way to the ultimate destruction of Manity? Oh yeah, he’s doing Isla Fisher… kind of a distraction.
There’s something very masculine about pulling off a pair of pantyhose – from my girlfriend’s legs, not mine. Mantyhose maintenance involves lots of watching out for runs and quick nail polish fixes. We’re doomed.
Whatever happened to the money clip? Oh, I forgot. You can’t stuff a bottle of styling gel in a money clip.
The worst fashion spike in 50 years. It’s a sweater, not a dress. Got your Mankini on under there?
Red Shirt Cologne
A great idea gone horribly wrong. I’d rather wear Bill Shatner’s toupee then spray this stuff on. The fragrance of manliness cut down in the first 5 minutes on the planet surface. Waaay before the Green Alien Bitches have time to mount an evil, but sexy Mind Meld.
Ace and Gary Costumes
Should have stayed in the closet.
Proclaim your unmanly womanliness to the world wide web. And how did Jesus come out on top? He had his feet washed with oil, wore a one-piece everywhere and lived with his parents until he was in his early thirties. Has to be the wine.
The Flatulence Deodorizer
The Mantyliners Graphite Fart Suppressor is the last shot across the bow of Man’s inevitable emasculation. Who hasn’t relieved the tension in the room with a loud, smelly rip at least once? Will the age-old rite of manly passage (under-the-cover bombing missions) be the last bastion of masculinity?
Someday, Archeologists will unearth the final remains from the glorious Age of Man-Made dirt.
And it’ll all be charcoal filtered.