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If you’ve got some time to kill and a hankering for hilarity, take a listen to these prank calls. We guarantee they’ll get you howling with laughter, without you even needing to harass random strangers.

1. The mysterious religious tome

A South African DJ phones up a “Christian Family Bookstore,” disturbingly named Cum Books, and enquires after a particular book. The saleswoman, who sounds more than slightly blonde, is unable to offer any assistance based on his rather vague description. Normally this wouldn’t be very amusing but, ah… Well, the book is rather well known. People gifted with the intellectual ability to miss the painfully obvious are always amusing.

2. Becky the little Irish girl demands DESTRUCTION!

This one’s adorable and hilarious at the same time. Becky, a Dublin schoolgirl, phones up her local demolition company with a rather unconventional request. You see, her school is guilty of giving her “extra homework,” so something drastic needs to be done. The staff collapse into gales of laughter almost instantly, but Becky presses on in a most determined fashion.

3. “My pussy is burning!”

A desperate-sounding woman phones up her local emergency room, with a complaint of a rather personal nature. They’re not very helpful, but then what can one really do about a scorched vajayjay over the phone?

4. Your dog has AIDS

Some joker, who does surprisingly well keeping a serious tone, phones someone up to tell them their dog has been diagnosed with several STDs. What’s great about this clip is the “victim” susses the situation out fairly quickly, and goes along with it. He then turns it back on the caller and goes even further, eventually “admitting” that he enjoys French kissing his dog.

Whoever that guy was, he was a real sport with a real dry wit. Listen to the clip, and for extra funny see how many idiots out there in Internet land thought he was being serious about his dog-kissin’.

5. You kicked my dog!

A comedian posing as “Kerpal” phones up an Indian guy called Avtaar and begins an angry tirade about how the man’s daughter kicked his dog. Kerpal’s convincing Pakistani accent, feigned indignation and frequent pronouncements of “you know damn right” make this classic comedy.

Avtaar calls his daughter to the phone, and Kerpal squares off with her. Eventually the whole thing descends into what sounds like a shouting match at a bazaar. It’s hilarious stuff from start to finish. It’s pretty far from work-safe though, so don’t let your boss hear all the sub-continental swearing.

6. Buttplugs

This is a great prank phone call, consisting of a single word (besides “yes”) on the perpetrator’s part. That word, ladies and gentlemen, is “buttplugs.” Unlikely as it sounds, this guy phones up a hardware store and asks um, plugs for the butt. He gets transferred between departments, as the staff, seemingly unfamiliar with sexual aids, fail heroically to understand him.

The desperation of his tone increases with each iteration until, finally, he ends up on a truly frantic note, screaming the word “buttplugs” like a madman. See how many “buttplugs” you can count in the clip.

7. Recall on Vibrator

This one is the most extreme cases of pwnage we’ve ever heard, and what’s worse, it happened on a radio talk show. The host phones up an innocent young lady, pretending to be a representative of a vibrator company. He informs her that there’s been a recall on her model. She self-consciously assures him that she’s never used it, that it was a gag-gift, though her tone quickly turns to worry as he tells her the device causes medical complications.

Eventually, he’s “reluctantly forced” to inquire as to her exact rate of usage, which turns out to be… “A lot.” He eventually reveals the gag, and puts her boyfriend, who set her up, on the line. We’re pretty sure he got it in the neck.

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