Father’s Day is upon us again, and Dads everywhere can look forward to yet another necktie, wallet or pair of humorous Jockey shorts.
Just once, some lucky Dad should have a dream Father’s Day, where he gets everything he wants and has a helluva time celebrating being such a great Dad.
If it ever happens, it might go something like this…
As the great day begins, Dad is parked in front of the computer. Ever since he turned the monitor around to face the rec room wall, he’s been spending more and more time in his new favorite chair. But sometimes he seems to get a little overheated.
Every 5 or 6 minutes or so his face gets all flushed and he squirms a bit. That’s why the Air Conditioned Shirt makes the perfect gift for helping Dad cool down. Plug it in to an empty USB port and Dad is ready for another marathon session of downloading “pictures of your Mom in high school.”
Mom was an Asian Cheerleader in High School? Who knew?
As the day progresses Dad is spending even more time than usual by the PC. Doesn’t he need a refreshment break? Not with the USB Mini-Fridge. Slow buffering speeds no longer have to be a waste of down time. Now the PC is not the only one getting pixelated when Dad pops open a cold one courtesy of Dell.
Note to Self: Next Father’s Day see about getting Dad that USB Bed Pan… (Pabst Blue Ribbon not included.) When Pops has had his fill of the WWW it should be time for a Sunday afternoon visit to his favorite local Pub “The Rehab Lounge.”
But after knocking off a few from the USB Mini-Fridge, it’s a toss up whether or not Dad is in any condition to drive. Best not take any chances. That’s why he loves his Motorized Bar Stool. The 14 block trip is a snap, and even the most crowded bar will have room for one more.
Plus, Dad has a mean trick for ducking out without paying his tab. He drives out backwards so the bartender thinks he’s just coming in!
By this time of course, the Old Man is ready for a little relief. Between USB beers and Pub Ale, Pops may be forgiven if he’s a little rocky on his feet. That’s when the Hands-Free Urinal comes in handy.
Unsteady hands make for tragic zipper accidents, so there’s no better sense of security than with a pair of robotic claws grappling your junk when you’re Father’s-Day smashed. (Product shown is the Economy model. Country Club models include Deluxe Ball Washer.)
When it’s time for Dad to climb out the back window to make a clean getaway, he’ll be happy for the Father’s Day gift you saved for last: The Flying Car. They’ve finally gotten affordable.
And at this point, there’s no law against drinking and flying… just ask any airline pilot. Check out the Auto-Pilot feature that gets you home via the fastest backyard route. But if you do get pulled over, last year’s Father’s Day gift will really come in handy…
What Father’s Day would be complete without the crappy necktie? Or a wallet? How about both? Before Dad gets hauled off to the drunk tank, he whips out this thoughtful version of a time honored classic: The Wallet Necktie.
As long as there’s a secret “bribe” pocket with a Fifty tucked in, Dad should make it home in plenty of time for a snooze. Then he can get up on Monday morning and start the whole cycle all over again. Like he always does.
Next year it might be better to stick with socks and underwear. Hmm, I wonder… do they make ‘em USB compatible?
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