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You’ve tried the fancy colognes.

You’ve smeared yourself with aftershave, moisturizers, balms, froufrou lotions…even “body sprays.”

Yet despite the hundreds of bucks you’ve shelled out, you still think you smell like an overly quaffed sissy. Or, worse, like some desperate slicked up divorcee trying way too hard to score with the ladies and who everyone thinks is a complete tool.

Enough. What should you do to smell like a real man? Here are some answers.

1. Cut down A Douglas Fir with a Hatchet

The mixture of pine, wood chips, top soil, and your own sweat works far better than any frou frou cologne on the market. You’ll smell like a lumberjack and remind your woman that man can best nature any day of the week – just ask Paul Bunyan.

Fresh sap on your hands, lingering pine needles in your hair, and your calloused hands will all demonstrate just how powerful you are.

2. Climb a Desert Mountain without a Shirt On

A mix of air, dust, sweat, sun-tan lotion, and mountain sage in the air should combine to create the prefect bouquet. You will get tan, fit, and strong from all the hiking, and if you go on the adventure with your woman, you can do “little extras” like carry her water bottle and provide piggyback rides.

Which might lead her to give you some “little extras” in an off-trail, warm, secluded place. If you have a ripped chest and killer abs, this can only help the process. But even if you are on the smaller side… you’ll likely be a bit bigger when you finish your desert hike!

3. Cook an Awesome Steak

Whether you’re making rib eye, tenderloin, filet mignon or just a thick beef burger, the scent of the food will inevitably rub off on your clothes and skin. Be sure to choose ingredients that complement each other – and be careful with your cooking as well. If you burn your meat or add overly exotic spices or flavors that your lady might be allergic to, you could spoil the whole process.

In addition to getting the delicious smells all over you – she’ll likely want to gobble you up – you also get to feed her. And you know what they say — the fastest way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach. (OK, so that’s men… but have you seen a woman eat when she’s really hungry? They’re like a cheetah ripping into a fallen gazelle.)

4. Play Football, Rugby, or Some Other Sport That Causes You to Roll Around On the Ground

The smell of dirt, topsoil, fresh grass, and the sheen of hard-earned sweat can be more of an aphrodisiac to women than the finest scents put out by the likes of Ralph Lauren and John Varvatos. Get in a game where you can get your body working and your competitive side fired up.

Bonus points if she’s there, as you get to put your athletic skills on display – yet another heady aphrodisiac for the fairer sex. When you’re done your muscles will be pumped, your skin will shine with warmth, and she’ll want you to take some ground on her.

One note – you don’t want to smell like some other guy, so utilize your skills to avoid getting smothered by the nastiest guy out there and covered in his stink. You don’t want anything to interfere with your pheromones. Some guys don’t get that attractive athletic tone – they just sweat and reek. You don’t want that – and she sure as hell doesn’t.

You also should take care not to get too injured, since the smell of blood and pus is far from enticing to most ladies. Unless, of course, you are dating some weird Goth girl, in which you should go ahead and bleed to your heart’s content.

5. Skip the Deodorant for A Few Days

This is a risky proposition, and it certainly won’t work for all men, particularly bulky dudes who tend to sweat a lot (see nasty sports guy above). But if you’re one of those antiseptic metro-sexual guys who’s always masking your own scent by showering twice a day and otherwise acting like a sissy girly man, it might not hurt your game to take a break from the hardcore anti-perspirant.

Give your natural oils and smells a chance to express themselves. Warning: Don’t go over the line here – and I am talking to you, college guys and guys in your early 20s – there is a fine line between encouraging your natural scent and smelling like a hippy that hasn’t showered in three weeks.

6. Find a Good Smelling Animal and Wrestle, Play, Pet, and Otherwise Roll Around With It

Whether you ride a horse, play Frisbee with a dog, play tug of war with a cat, or mount a dolphin, by mixing your scent with an appealing animal’s natural odors you have potential to create an intoxicating combination. This again is a risky proposition. If you choose the wrong animal to romp with, or one with whom your scent don’t combine well, or – worst of all – one your girl is allergic to, things can go horribly, horribly wrong.

On the plus side, if this method does work out, you’ll not only establish a unique olfactory identity with potential lovers, but you’ll also demonstrate your capacity for engaging creatively and empathetically with animals – which indicates that you are likely a safe and empathetic companion.

7. Eat Better and Exercise More

If you are a roly-poly fat ass who sits on a couch all day eating Cheetos, wiping nuclear orange residue on your shirt, and sucking down soda pop, chances are that your natural smell won’t be very pleasing. Couch rot isn’t just a made up phrase, and it doesn’t happen by accident.

Get off the couch, eat better, get some exercise, and go to your doctor if you notice that your body is producing any particularly noxious odors. Good grooming does not begin with the shower or the salon – it begins you, your habits, with what’s in your fridge, and how often you give your Nike cross trainers a good workout.

Eating better and getting (even somewhat) regular exercise helps rid your body of toxins and gets it working more optimally. An optimally working system produces optimal natural scents. In addition to helping your body work better, exercise also helps your brain work better and produces hormones that give you a sense of well-being…which in turn makes your body relax and work even better…which in turn makes you smell better.

Plus, it keeps you on top of your game mentally for when you engage the opposite sex in conversation. So get out there!

Oh, and eat pineapple. It makes you, umm, smell and taste better. Seriously, try it.

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