Ugly Dudes Married to Hot Chicks Give the Rest of Us Hope

• John Fitzgerald
• Monday, October 5, 2009

Are you… an ugly dude? There’s no shame in it, man, we can’t all be born with chiseled features, and we sure can’t all buy them. But guess what? In the modern era, even the ugliest of dudes can nail a hot chick.

Here are some of the doofiest schlubs who managed to tie down the nicest pieces of ass on Earth, and speculation as to how they did it.

Jordan Bratman

When you look at the unlikely pairing of the volcanically hot Christina Aguilera and the… less so Jordan Bratman, many questions spin in your head. “What is Xtina doing with that Subway assistant manager?” for example.

Seriously, Bratman looks like a half-turtle who can’t afford a disposable razor, and there is scientific proof that he got to stick his unit inside Aguilera’s magical unicorn cave – and the laws of God allowed a baby to be made there.

Billy Joel

The grand old man of this list, Billy Joel has pulled in so much top-shelf womanflesh that it almost masks how much of a balding little troll he is. Let’s start out with Elle MacPherson in the 1980s, followed by a lateral move in the supermodel field to Christie Brinkley.

But was Joel content to retire with one of the hottest women on Earth? No, my friend – in 2004 Billy married Katie Lee Joel, who was just over half his age. I have no idea what the Piano Man has over the ladies, but I’d suspect it involves the same pact with Satan that gave him musical success.

Ric Ocasek

Continuing our dive into rock dudes, let’s take a long look at the face of Cars frontman Ric Ocasek. The dude looks like a twelve-pound lost member of the Ramones, with a turkey neck and an enormous honker.

Always sporting a pair of trademark Ray-Bans to hide his sunken, watery eyes, this dude could have only become famous making New Wave music. And yet, who has Ocasek been boning since 1989? None other than Czech supermodel Paulina Porizkova. How – how is that even possible?

Chris Pratt

I feel sort of bad about making fun of Chris Pratt – he seems like a pretty all right dude. But he’s nailing Anna Faris, and that’s just not fair.

Pratt may have been on The O.C. after people stopped watching it, but he also has a big ol’ pot belly and is generally ridiculous. This is one that hurts because, really, it could have been me. It could have been any of us.

Simon Monjack

Never heard of the man friends refer to as “The Monjackass?” Well, he’s the dude who is nailing Brittany Murphy. No, I’m not kidding – the lithe Sin City blonde got married to a British dude who has a head like a giant potato and a mullet that just won’t quit.

Not only is Monjack ugly, he’s also linked to some criminal shenanigans of the lamest order, with a history of low-rent cons and false identities trailing behind him. Hell, if I looked like that I’d try to make a new identity too.

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