For the last couple of years Hollywood has been in a bit of a slump.
The movies aren’t just doing what they used to do. I don’t know, maybe paying ten bucks for a ticket is one reason. But I think it’s really about the endless mirage of pointless remakes.
Are studio writers just sitting around their office throwing darts at movies that have come and gone?
Besides tarnishing our childhood, these upcoming remakes of 80′s movies make absolutely no sense in the 21st century. While every now and then a remake can be kinda cool, like Oceans 11, others are just horrible, like Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes.
Without having to see a trailer, let alone the movie itself, here are some of the worst upcoming studio remakes.
10, 9, 8. Escape from New York, The Thing, They Live
I lumped these together because they are only rumored, and of of course, they are all John Carpenter movies. Carpenter has made some legendary flicks over time, like Halloween (which Rob Zombie already remade).
Why They Were Cool: They were 80′s cult classics at their best. Carpenter had a great vision in making a bad movie so awesome, while sprinkling in some social commentary. Personally, Kurt Russell will always be Snake Plissken in Escape from New York. And, Roddy Piper was perfect in They Live. Who else who can deliver “I’m here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And, I’m out of gum”.
Why They Will Suck: These movies were some of the best crap that the 80′s had to offer. And, I don’t care who’s on board, we all know that they’ll squeeze out all of that social commentary that made Carpenter’s films cult classics and focus on modern special effects. Besides, the remake of They Live will never duplicate that fight scene between the Hot Rod and Keith David.
An 80′s classic set in Florida where a bunch of college guys are searching for one thing…sex. I’m not sure if this will ever see the light of day since it’s been on again and off again, but it is green lit and has a release date for 2011.
Why it was cool: Porky’s had a pretty simplistic plot, but it really stretched the limits for humor in the early 80′s and paved the way for movies like American Pie. It’s probably best known for the shower peep-hole scene.
Why it will suck: I like that old saying “if it’s not broken, don’t fix it”. Yet Howard Stern thought it would be a great idea to update it and rename it Howard Stern’s Porky’s. If anyone would remake this it would be Stern, but this remake will have no shock value. We’ve already seen it. And, to make matters worse, Stern is also rumored to be remaking the 1977 classic Rock N’ Roll High School. Does the man have no shame?
6. Missing in Action
This was one of many in the series of Chuck Norris movies that were so bad that they were awesome. Back in the 80′s Norris returns to Vietnam to rescue some POW’s, then his wife, then his love child, then his teddy bear.
Why it was cool: Nobody can break a neck like Chuck Norris.
Why it will suck: The WWE is teaming with MGM studios to remake this, so one of their wrestlers will most likely be taking over the reins of Braddock. It could be kind of cool, but like I said earlier, nobody can break a neck like Chuck Norris.
5. Short Circuit
This was a great cult classic from 1986 about a military robot getting struck by lightning and coming to life.
Why it was cool: Johnny 5 was actually a pretty cool looking robot, and was pretty damn amusing, in a kid- like innocent way. It also reunited Police Academy alums Steve Guttenberg and G.W. Harris, you know, Captain Harris. And, I also have a soft spot for Ally Sheedy.
Why it will suck: Bringing in “Robot Chicken” writer Dan Milano sounds good on paper, and if you watch “Robot Chicken” then you know he he has a fondness for the 80′s, but will demolish that childlike humor. That’s what made Short Circuit a classic in the first place. I have a feeling that this will take a serious turn with a couple of fart jokes sprinkled in. Oh yeah, no Guttenberg or Fisher Stephens.
Kevin Bacon battles holly-roller John Lithgow to have a dance in a small Midwest town.
Why it was cool: I actually don’t think it was cool in the first place, but Kenny Loggins had some catchy tunes in it. OK, and the tractor chicken race was tolerable as well.
Why it will suck: First off, Footloose should have never been made, but it was and it should have stayed back in 1984. Besides that, it will be produced by Craig Zadan and Neil Meron who brought us Chicago and Hairspray. Thanks a lot guys. It will also star Chance Crawford from “Gossip Girls” fame.
3. The Karate Kid
This is one of every 80′s kid’s favorite flicks. A timeless tale of a nerd befriending a martial arts master so he can kick some bully ass.
Why it was cool: Simply put, the movie just fit the 80′s. It tapped into a fad. It was campy. But, hey, that was the 80′s for ya.
Why it will suck: They’re renaming it The Kung Fu Kid, I guess to show everyone that it’s not really a remake, but they can’t trick us. While I usually like Jackie Chan, I just don’t see him as a Mr. Miyagi type of dude. Also, with the lead going to a 10 year kid, it’s going to be way to kid friendly. Did I forget to say that the 10 year old kid is Will Smith’s son? The same Will Smith whose production company is producing this movie. Nepotism anyone?
A cop gets killed by a nasty gang of drug dealing rapists and is resurrected as the experimental RoboCop.
Why it was cool: The original had a great cast of top notch B-listers like Peter Weller, Ronny Cox, Kurtwood Smith, Nancy Allen and Miguel Ferrer. Not to mention the effects were pretty great for a low-budget action film from 1987. It had lots of action, violence, sex and drugs in that 80′s “why don’t care” attitude, while mocking every bit of American culture.
Why it will suck: MGM wants this to make this a big budget effort which will mean a ridiculous 45-minute fight scene between CGI characters.
1. Red Dawn
A bunch of high schoolers defend their town from invading Soviet troops.
Why it was cool: We all thought that we could do this if the Soviets invaded our town all while shouting “WOLVERINES!”
Why it will suck: The remake will have the Chinese invading America. Seriously? That is not a serious threat like the Russians were back in 1984. And, word on the street is that it will focus on post 9/11 America, which means that the movie won’t have the flat out patriotism in the original. It’s going to be critical of the U.S. and blame ourselves for the invasion. Lame.
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