7 Reasons Why North Korea Wants Nuclear Weapons

• John Fitzgerald
• Monday, July 20, 2009

A lot of people are a tad concerned about North Korea having nuclear weapons. It seems to be a relevant concern since North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-il is just a bit out there. I mean seriously, what’s up with those glasses? He looks like my grandmom after a heavy night of drinking. And, as we all know, nuclear weapons can cause a big mess.

But are Kim Jong-il’s intentions for having nukes seriously a matter of global security? As an apparent film buff, from the West nonetheless, maybe Kim got some ideas for valid uses of nukes. Who knows, maybe Kim isn’t planning on destroying the planet, maybe he’s actually trying to save it. After all, the U.S. can’t save Earth all the time. Here are seven examples on why Kim Jong-il wants North Korea to have nuclear weapons that he learned from the movies.

7. Destroying the forces of evil.

While I doubt that Kim Jong-il has read Stephen King’s The Stand, I would bet that he has seen the 1994 ABC miniseries. Why wouldn’t he watch this post-apocalyptic story of survivors from a man made super-flu battling an evil force named Randall Flagg starring Lt. Dan, the redhead from The Breakfast Club and Parker Lewis, you know from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose?

OK, so where’s the nukes? At the end of the story the nuclear warhead that was brought to Las Vegas, where the sinners have flocked to of course, is set off by the hand of God destroying Flagg and all of his followers, leaving all the good survivors to rebuild society. Just imagine the PR Kim would get if God set off one of his nukes!

If your not familiar with The Stand this video pretty much sums it up.

6. Stopping John Rambo.

Kim is reportedly a fan of Rambo, which probably scares the be-jesus out of him. Throughout the years Rambo has killed a lot of men with his trusty blade. While Rambo has had to kill some folks on American soil, he usually kills American enemies. I bet Kim spends countless nights worrying if the U.S. is going to send in John Rambo to take him out.

And nothing so far, not even being an AARP member by now, has stopped Rambo from spilling blood. To prevent his own death, and Rambo VI from hitting the big screen (by the way, there’s a rumor of a Rambo V in the works) Kim must nuke Rambo before he and his knife reach North Korea.

5. Ending a Zombie outbreak.

We all love a good zombie flick. While it’s always enjoyable seeing a zombie invasion, we’ve also been taught some valuable lessons. We know that hiding out in a mall isn’t going to stop them. The best solution is to just nuke the infected region and prevent further outbreaks.

While other countries obviously have nukes, I think they would be a little hesitant in bombing their own country. And we know that you can’t hesitate when dealing with zombies. So that leaves it up to Kim Jong-il to step in and stop the zombie outbreak before they take over the world.

Watch the trailer for the original Night of the Living Dead and tell me that you don’t want to nuke them either.

4. Preventing an alien invasion.

Since the universe is pretty much endless, it’s hard to believe that we’re the only intelligent beings out there. And while there could be some friendly, Reese’s Pieces loving aliens, it’s also very likely that there are those aliens hell bent on destroying Earth.

I don’t think that we would want to get into hand to hand combat with beings that we know nothing about, so the best scenario is to take them out before we become their slaves. Obviously that’s where nukes come in. Just like in Independence Day, we need to destroy the mother ship, and boom, we’re saved.

3. Deterring an asteroid from hitting Earth.

Armageddon and Deep Impact taught us a lot. They showed us another use of animal crackers and that we can actually elect an African American president, before we actually did. But most importantly they showed us to stop an asteroid from crashing into the Earth.

While most scientists agree that this a perfect method from saving Earth from an asteroid, they aren’t too thrilled about the amount of nukes used in doing so. Because we need a lot of nuclear bombs to deter an asteroid we would have to round up all the nukes we can. I bet everyone is happy that North Korea built those bombs now.

Here’s what would happen if we didn’t have enough nukes to stop that asteroid.

2. Battling Godzilla.

Kim Jong-il is also rumored to be a Godzilla fan, which means that he is well aware of the damage that Godzilla can do. To make matters worse Godzilla hails from Japan, which is right next door to the Korean peninsula.

I wouldn’t be shocked if Godzilla set his eyes and atomic breath on North Korea when he’s finished up in Japan. The only plausible way in stopping Godzilla would be to nuke him, because we’ve all seen how he lays waste to an army.

Look at how easy Godzilla could destroy Kim Jong-il’s secret base…

1. The Earth’s core has stopped spinning and we need nukes to get it spinning again.

We witnessed the carnage that would ensue if the Earth’s core stopped spinning in The Core, thanks to a secret weapon that the U.S. constructed, and we thought nukes were bad! We’d pretty much be screwed, as the magnetic field protecting the Earth from harmful solar radiation would dissolve leaving us with some pretty bad sunburn.

So that leaves it up to nuclear weapons to save the day. We would have to set off some nukes in the Earth’s core to give it a little shock and get it spinning again. And we know exactly where we could get some of those nukes if this ever happened.

It would probably be something like this…

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